Family

Oh let me count the ways to guilt you into submission. I've spent the better part of the day crying and being upset over a family, MY family.

I miss my family, but not the condemnation. The guilt pressure. My heart aches for a time when I won't cry and feel utterly worthless in their eyes. Of which they Will deny, so there for its yet again all my fault.

Good day

As far as my days go. LML was gone, or in his room most of the day. 

Dealt with customers most of the day, actually fixed a decent meal! Got some straightening up done, vacuumed, and I didn't have to go anywhere. Such a blessing.

So he is sleeping. I sometimes feel sorry for him in how I act or have acted. Then I remember what's been said, and how he sometimes treats me. And I get mad all over again. I try the best I know how, so does he. We are total opposites. He and I were raised on the polar opposites of each other. 

He was a rebel, I was good and sweet. He yells, threatens, and puts down in communicating. I cry and try to reason and express how I feel, then retreat into myself and shutdown.

We both learned by example of parents and grandparents.

He was so tender and caring last night when I was feeling so awful. I told him today, I NEED MORE of that. If your caring with me, I can and will be to you.  Maybe it will sink in, otherwise after 5 years I'll call it quits. A person can only take being put down by a "Loved one " some long before you snap and stay and emotionally die or make a break for freedom and start over again.

The day you learn...

That your a failure... The LML told me today that I couldn't make it on my own. That before he came along and SAVED me, my mother took care of me. Who""
knew I was such a leach on people.

A failure at life. One that must be told what to do, how to do it, etc. An idiot...

He's a "bullshitter" as he calls it. Whatever sounds good is the name of the game with him. He says he loves me, I'm the love of his life. If this is true why does he say such mean horrible things? What is the truth, what's a lie, what's a little of both?

On my birthday he told me we were going out for a surprise birthday dinner. I didn't believe him. After 4 birthdays and going on 5 years I've learned not to believe 75% of what comes out of his mouth. When his friend came over, we were talking. He kept telling him to leave and spend sometime with me. NO NO NO that wouldn't do he had work to do. As I told his friend... I've learned not to believe what he says. The surprise was more that he kept his word.

Yesterday I made some simple curtains for the Kitchen window and re-vamped a boughten sheer panel to let some light in the the gloomy "rats nest" I can't call home.

He's still sick, but well enough to play his CLASH OF CLANS!!!

Personally I feel awful, but no doctor will listen and I don't care anymore. How is that for a great Christian attitude. OH of which I have one of those according to the LML.

My give a damn is about busted...

And so

One of my Dr.'s associates told me I needed to start a journal to help me sleep, clear up a sinus infection and anxiety that I really don't have. Whatever, I'm sure they know what they are talking about, but REALLY? So in an effort to follow Dr's orders here we go.

It's been two days since my birthday. 39!!!! Woo Hoo even more of my life slowly slowing going down the drain.

On the whole the day was pretty good. No cake, who needs a birthday cake?! Talked with only member of MY family I'm talking to. Long story. The "love of my life" Spent the whole day with his best friend fixing his equipment. He came back to the apartment,then we went our for a birthday dinner with M. his BFF. Now he's sick.

Friday dawned with a long day. Woke up at 1AM to leave at 2 AM to pick up his Amish friends for a day of him driving them around. Got back at 5AM. He left and got back at 11PM. No make up sleep for me. I took the "boys" home. Left at 11:15 got back at 3AM.

In LML's mind I spent the day with him even though he was working, joking, talking with his 2 friends. I don't fit in... and as he says it's my fault.

We went for ice cream, to which on the way we got in an argument. Again, MY fault.

Today, We had breakfast with with J. No more than get back "home" he's in his game room, playing on his I pad, and sleeping as he's still very sick. A friend stops in and they go out to talk. I'm alone.

Some-days, I wonder what is wrong with me that he won't talk to me. I'm so lonely.